I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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