She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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