Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
