Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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