She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
