Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
