Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
