my room smells like sperm. sweet.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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