anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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