we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
