The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
