Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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