while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
