I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm at about main and main street
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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