It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
