These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize