i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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