I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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