Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
