We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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