My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
