She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
