Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
