in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
