im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
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We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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