so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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