I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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