If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
