Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
