I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
