I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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