I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
