You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
