i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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