At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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