I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
