Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
