I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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