Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
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he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
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Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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