My Higher Power is John Stamos
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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