Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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