i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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