She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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