dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
