I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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