so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
