is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
