I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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