I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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