Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
