Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
