Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
