i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
