my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
