On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
