if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
