I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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